Trust is a strange thing. They say you are one of two kinds of people: 1. You trust everyone immediately, but if someone breaks that trust, it is hard for that person to earn your trust back. 2. People have to work really hard to get your trust, but once they have it, it's hard to lose.
I fall into the first category, without a doubt. I trust you, until you mess it up.
That being said, this trust that I "give" freely is not so simple. It takes a long time before I really let anyone into my inner world. So if you have access to that world, you have my trust, too. Anyone else on the outside has some trust, but they don't have it all. It wasn't always this way, but the events of my life have made this system of holding people away from me has evolved as a means of self-preservation.
I have been broken too many times to freely trust anymore.
Every member of my family, including my in-laws, has broken my heart (and more than once). All of my "best" friends have broken my heart (repeatedly). The vast majority of my close friends have broken my heart. Even my church family (who really are like family) has broken my heart, and in ways I never thought they could. Over and over and over again. This isn't just "hurt feelings" or a broken heart like "the boy I like doesn't like me back" kind of hurt. This is a soul-crushing, completely shattered, torn up, scarred, salt-in-the-wounds kind of broken.
Our language just doesn't have the vocabulary to fully describe what that feels like.
Maybe this is normal, but upon reflection, it feels crazy that no one in my life has been fully trustworthy. I mean, really, not even Mom??!?! It's rather depressing. Even more than that, it's like a game changer for my personality.
I like to think I am still trusting, but I know how few people I actually let it (and its fewer than would even realize). Some days I feel like I haven't allowed anyone in, and that's scary. But I just can't bear the thought of being hurt like that again.
This is even more complicated by the fact living with two T1Ds is like having your heart repeatedly ripped apart and then stapled back together, just to be torn up again. I can't remember the last time I didn't feel heartbroken. Every abnormal lab or abnormal BG, every complication and mood swing does it. Every time one of them is high and cranky, overreacts and yells at me or is short and defensive, I get hurt. Because they act this way regardless of how patient I am, and because they don't mean to (and honestly cannot control it). Then I watch them feel guilty and horrible and beat themselves up for treating me that way, and I honestly feel worse because I do get it. No amount of understanding stops the heartbreak, though.
Knowing what the future will hold for my guys if a cure isn't found is a whole other level of heartbreak.
Needless to say, while I'm always feeling hurt and broken, I really struggle to trust people, especially new people. I see how this affects my ability to make new friends and be social. I see how it also affects my ability to continue trusting friends that have hurt me. I just can't handle more pain.
I know what you mean. I think to a degree, the three of us sisters are like that. And I believe it is always those the closest to us that can hurt us the most. They know us the best, they have that power because of the intimacy. Growing up I let myself be the doormat with my group of "friends." I wanted to belong so badly because I never really did (and I still immaturely blame the being homeschooled for two years and then being thrust into the school system). I put up with being mocked and made fun of. Even today some of those people are friends on Faecbook. After I got away from High School I learned that there were people who could like me because of who I was instead of the amusement I could provide. Still the trust doesn't always come easy. I still have a hard time letting people in, because I don't want to be the butt of all the jokes. And if someone I do let in takes advantage I pretty much lock that person out. Family is always different. No one can hurt you like a family member. I know I have been a pretty crappy big sister. I am thankful every day that you opened the door and let me work my way back in. There are not words for how much I missed you. I'm here for you!! I say it's okay to let people in, try them out. If they aren't it fit, it's okay to put them back in the waiting room. I love you Mel!
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